“When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.”
– Your ex-lover is dead. Stars
If there is something I am good that, that’s my capability to start over. After all, I’ve been doing that my whole life. It’s not a long life but it sure is one full of… experiences. Let’s leave it at that. As someone once told me, after a hard blow it’s our job to pull ourselves together, stand up and keep walking. So no matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve tried to do that. Pull myself together. Stand up. Keep walking. Time and time again, that is exactly what I have done. So that is what I am trying to focus on right now, I am trying really hard to gather all the willpower I have left to walk out of this storm. Literally. Trust me when I say that I wish this was a metaphor of some kind, but I am literally walking under the pouring black sky that is threatening with the storm of the year.
Too bad I couldn’t think of snagging an umbrella when I stormed out of that place. I guess umbrellas didn’t take priority in my mind right when I decided to stop this nightmare I have been living for the past few weeks. Neither did packing, putting shoes or grabbing a coat. The weather matches the dramatics of my circumstances and the realization of that stops me in my tracks. Determination leaves me and the seriousness of the situation starts to settle in my head slowly.
Is the sound of a thunder in the distance what brings me back and I realize that I have nowhere to go. I have no one to call. I have no shoes and no coat and I am in the middle of a storm, drenched to the skin looking for… looking for what exactly? A miracle? I am very well aware that miracles don’t exist. Good things happen to those who work for what they want, not to those that are waiting under the rain wishing for shelter to magically appear out of thin air. Panic takes over completely and I lift my head to the sky and look up. I look up and something happens, a roaring laughter close to the intensity of the thunders I hear in the distance leaves my mouth. I take a deep breath right after and soon laugh turns into a silent and desperate cry. Instinct sends my hands to hide my tears like so many times before, but I quickly realize that the rain is doing that for me. Once again, the irony is not lost on me. So I cry, I let the tears fall and don’t cover my face. I embrace the desperation and I stand right where I am. For the first time in my life, I wait and hope for something to appear out of thin air. Because I might be good at starting over, but I don’t think I can do that anymore.
I can’t take it anymore. I can’t look at her standing there, soaked, not giving a shit in the world about the pouring rain. I didn’t want to intervene, I don’t think I am ready yet. But that was until she started to cry. Something snapped inside of me and I’ll be damned if I don’t do something just because I didn’t want to talk to her yet.
I was cleaning up the cafe and leaving everything ready for closing. I still have at least one hour worth of work behind the counter but that will have to wait until later. There is no hesitation this time, It takes me 2 seconds to be out of the door with a conveniently forgotten umbrella and 5 long strides to be right behind her sheltering her from the rain. She seems not to notice that it’s someone, or better said something, stopping the pouring rain so she looks up the sky searching for answers. That’s when she comes to it and starts turning towards me slowly. I look down at her with uncertainty and I can’t help but notice that the thin tank top is nearly see through and that she is not even wearing shoes. A muffled curse leaves me. She is looking at me now like I am some kind of saviour or gift that fell from the sky and I should be relieved. Instead, it hurts. It crushes me because she couldn’t be more wrong. I am not a saint, much less a saviour or a prince in shinning armour. I have inflicted pain before and I am well aware of that, I just didn’t seem to remember that when I decided to leave through that door. I just pray for her not to remember me either.